It's about time..

The past week was a roller coaster.

I have so many thoughts in my mind now, and I don't know where to start writing.

Well maybe the unknown future if just seems so risky and I have countless uncertainties I want to answers to, bad ones I want to avoid before I even encounter them. I basically killing the fun of the mystery of my future.

Age is definitely catching up with me, and slapped me in the face as it almost start over taking what my (still) simple and naive mind could contain.

I learned that what happens now may come as rainbows and butterflies, but after getting influenced here and there, I realised it isn't that simple after all.

For one, I realised I have to make some grown up decisions. I took up an insurance policy that ensures my retirement life. Like many other, I didn't give in much thoughts into retirement since I just started my job and all, but I need to start saving for my future, I need to be responsible for myself and not put the burden on my future kids and family.

Thinking about what I did already gave me the assurance to know I have done something right. Thank you Chris for being my advisor. Someone I know I can trust and would want the best for me regardless.

Secondly, having been through an emotional turmoil made me realise that I am weak. There is no other word to describe. I do best at avoiding situations I know I cannot handle and eventually crumble by the mental state of mind that stops me from making wise (or just plain logical) decisions.

Frankly speaking I've never made much decision when I have a boyfriend. So much so that I completely destroyed my ability to think for myself. If I am thrown into a situation I am not comfortable with I will just submit myself to taking the easy way out, being very irresponsible to my boyfriend. It's like cutting down a tree each time, and soon I realised I've almost cleared the whole forest just to search for that perfectly shaped tree which don't exist.

Just recently my expectations for my boyfriend totally sky rocketed, I am ready to settle down, I need someone to provide and I know I'll be well taken care of. That put  a lot of stress and tension to my relationship. Most could guess what happen next, no need to say more.

The next stage now is learn to be compassionate to my boyfriend and be excepting to who he is and who he wants to be, regardless. From my personally experience, it is acceptable when a relationships ends due to a lack of love and trust, but if there is an abundance of love and it ends due to the lack of understanding, then it would mean the two in the relationship just gave up on each other. Building a relationship on the with foundation of love, imo, can overcome all sorts of obstacles. The most pity break ups are those those love each other to death but the lack communication to understand each other.

On the other hand, the gf/bf in the latter might have the tendency to not speak up because they are afraid to hurt the person they love so deeply. I guess that's what happened to me, I had to pay a hefty price. I get upset when my boyfriend don't understand me and eventually scarred the relationship when my momentary unhappiness accumulates and turn into heated arguments, when the fault was on me, for keeping what I could have said to him to resolve the situation before it escalates.

These few days were mentally draining and I there is an urgency to get my shitz togetz.